The need to have a mindset to develop with the world around you over a mindset of 'take me as a I am'

Most of us will have come across the phrase “well this is who I am and I’m not changing” or “if you don’t like it then leave”. The words will mostly be said to exude confidence or said in a stance made to not be controlled by the other party, but the more it’s used, the more toxic those words become.

As individuals grow in age, there is also growth in mentality as we endure and learn from new situations through time. For certain individuals though, change is scary. It is uncomfortable and maybe even seen as not necessary. We often hear ourselves saying “but I’ve always been like this, it’s who I am”.  The majority issue is, where we are now in life, is not the same place we were 10 years ago. So, how we thought about things 10 years ago, is not necessarily the mindset we need to conquer life now.

Personal growth is an essential part of one’s life. Carol Dweck, a psychologist and professor, wrote a book (Mindset) which describes two different mindsets when a person comes to face a situation or problem and that is a ‘fixed mindset’ and a ‘growth mindset’. A fixed mindset is described as one where the person is fixed in their traits and believes their intelligence or talent is enough. On the other hand, a growth mindset is when a person has a desire to learn and improve. This can be taken into the context of business, work, personality or socially. The circumstances of the situation may be different, but it is a personal choice whether to have a mindset to grow from circumstances or a mindset to stay as you are.

So, what’s wrong with staying as you are? Through your childhood and teens, you are always taught to be proud of who you are or never change for anybody, so why does that change once you’re an adult?

Think of your teen and childhood years as your foundation block in life. Children have developing brains and are much more adaptable to change. Because of this, they are much more able to accept the idea of change. Through this adaptability we see how children can mold into new situations and learn new skills quite well. They then develop through the school years, learning new skills each year within an educational setting and within social settings as they grow through life with friends. Once they become adults, the 18-year-old now leaving high school, is not the same 11-year-old they were once entering high school. In those 7 years, they have not just physically changed but mentally too, in character and in knowledge. With that change and growth, they are more prepared to enter either the working world or university life and keep on evolving.

Yet, if we take an adult entering a job or a marriage or some sort of adult life phase – we settle, and it is not uncommon for an adult individual to be in the same position they were when they started, 7 years later. It is only really the people who have been in positions where growth is needed or expected that they feel the need to elevate themselves and develop a growth mindset. This can be to be a better parent, a possible career promotion or a change in life goals. So being in an environment where growth leads to better opportunities and situations gives a person motivation to grow. 

However, in certain situations, that foundation block in our childhood was never built.

When we had a good foundation in family support, it was fairly easy to accept growth because it was like having a stepping stone or ladder into the next phases of life and always having something to fall back to incase we failed. However, many of us have suffered some form of childhood trauma which lead us to feel the need to protect our emotions moving forward in life. That trauma often breaking our foundations or being the reason for no foundation at all. That need for protection can then lead to an emotional stubbornness and this then possibly becoming a reason for such a fixed mindset. For those who have suffered some emotional trauma, they then feel the need for comfort in their skin. The idea of change is an absolute no go place to visit in case it leads to feel anything close to what was felt through that trauma.

As well as this, certain individuals feel the need to be in full control of their life. The idea of change brings unpredictable outcomes and uncertainty in whether the next move will succeed or fail. Take the idea of a career change. Certain people will stay in a job and position for years (even if they are capable of better and higher positions) because that is where they feel comfortable performing. They know where to sit, who to talk to, they have their routine in place and feel no need for change because it would break that routine. They would then have to find a new place to sit, and new people to talk to. This puts them in a position where they are no longer in control of their surroundings or emotions.

The feeling for change is therefore not so simple for everyone but it doesn’t change the fact that growth is necessary. It may feel unsafe, it may feel scary but this is tied to some form of trauma that is stopping us – it is not because change is a bad thing. As mentioned before, a child’s mind grows and develops continuously through the years and ideally it should be the same for adults. Why? Because as mentioned before, the world we lived in then is not the same world we live in now. The world is evolving and changing every single second of the day, and we need to adapt to the change in generations, the change in education, the change to politics, the change to the environment. Whether we accept it or not does not matter. Change is happening all around with or without us.

With that being said, if we want to be able to conquer life now – we need to understand the situation, circumstance, and surroundings that we are in now.

So, how do we develop a more approachable and open mindset?

First, it’s important to understand what type of growth is needed to better your situation. Because this allows you to assess what is going on around you and be more aware of yourself. Are my family happy? Do my children need more of me or need help in some area of their education? Is my team at work happy? Is my department developing? Am I getting promotions? What do I need to get those promotions? These are all questions that as adults, we can ask ourselves in order to grow.

 If the answer is my son has been struggling to score a good grade in math this term – well then maybe invest in a tutor and give him the support he needs at home. That’s growth as a parent. If the answer is that your name hasn’t been on the list for a promotion in a while – well then maybe it’s time to sit down with your manager and find out why and what you need to do. That’s growth in your career. If the answer is, my partner keeps telling me I don’t listen – well then maybe it’s time to sit down and have conversation where you hear what they have to say. That’s growth in both character and marriage.

Whatever the context, the idea of growth itself leads to opportunities and possibilities. Whereas a mindset of ‘no need for change’ often leads to you being left behind while the world, while people around you evolve. It feels scary, but becoming someone better tomorrow than you were today requires action, questions and a step forward. This is more than often a step made in the right direction. It is by far a better step to take than no step at all.