Finding your identity through motherhood...

NINE years into parenting with three different children, and the hardest obstacle I have and am dealing with is feeling lost with my identity. It took me a while to figure out why, but then I had a personal epiphany.

I’ve been a working mother, I’ve been a stay-at-home mother, I’ve parented with a nanny while working and I’ve parented with a nanny while at home. I am currently in a stage of parenting without a nanny, while studying full time and working part time. I’ve lived the lives of every paradox and let me tell you, there is not one better than the other. In my personal experience, every single version of being a mother had its pros and cons. But the one consistency through it all, was ironically the inconsistency in my identity as a mother. The truth is, every single child had a different childhood based on the concept that, while in body I was the same person, my identity as a mother was different for every child.

Lost? Let me break it down for you. My first child was born from a mother who was a stay-at-home mum and who truthfully had no idea what she was doing and quickly realised that what you plan for parenthood, will not match reality. No screentime turned into screentime, he must eat whatever is cooked for him turned into mealtime struggles. My second born was born to a working mother. I was very present when home, but he was also raised with the help of family members and a nanny while I worked full time. My third child was born from a mother who decided on a career switch and works part time on the weekends while studying during the weekdays to reach a new personal ambition.

While I see differences in their personalities, and I look back and wish I could have had the knowledge I know now when parenting my first and second child especially. I also look at them healthy and doing well in school and with peers and I often must remind myself that each identity of myself shaped who they are now and they’re fine.

You see, the part I struggled with the most was that through each phase I was shredding a different version of myself. I not only evolved from my identity before marriage and children, but I also further grew with every child. I discovered parts of myself I didn’t know I had, and I was pushed out of my comfort zone to not just be a better mother but a better version of myself. Although I was positively growing as a person, the hard part was that I was never ready for each phase. Each time I gave birth; I was never ready for the version of myself I was evolving into. Or maybe I wasn’t prepared to suddenly shred a part of me that was no longer needed. Truthfully, how was I to prepare for the rapid change in hormones, the hair loss, the stress, the weight gain, the social expectations, my personal ambitions alongside the responsibility of another human whose whole life depends entirely on me?

It became a process. Not an easy one, not a straight path, but years that felt like walking through a hot rocky hike, carrying a heavy rucksack, with whispers of different voices in my ear, and wind blowing every now and then as added resistance, while just trying my best to put one foot in front of the other to get to finish line. My identity growth was happening in the background of this process, and I never had a moment to process. I never fully realised the person I had become. I was so caught up in trying to be the best mum I can be, or trying to chase goals, or in finding faults in how my jeans don’t quite fit the same way anymore and it is no wonder that I struggled so much in finding my identity. I had never in those nine years sat down and processed the person I had become.  I watched my children grow up and everything around me evolve, but never once myself.

I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I wrote this for any mothers who maybe needed a little wake up call to stop and pause for a second, just like I needed it. Not to take in your surroundings, but just a few seconds to appreciate the person you have become. You’ve shred layers and versions of yourself to become who you are today. But you focused so hard on bringing up your children, and the world around you, that you forgot to appreciate your own personal growth too. Your soul has been through it but has emerged stronger every time and radiates safety to your little ones. You should feel safe in your own soul too. They love you and you should love yourself too and the person you are today.

While I don’t have it completely figured out, once I did practice a pause to appreciate myself in a single moment, I started to find my identity again in this world. Not just as a mother, but as an individual. I don’t feel as lost anymore. I managed to find myself again and I am finding my space in this world.